2025-06-12 - Great Day For It

I don't have any particular plans now that I'm this disabled. The usual "oh if you just had XYZ accomodations you'd be golden" has fallen away to googling what "aggressive rest" is and wondering how to stop screaming when trying to think.

I was looking at my Obsidian, this site's backend, and decided... hey. I have nothing to lose from just letting folks know how my day is going, but everything to gain from having a place to build this garden off of. It's not like my notes are particularly private- currently they're predominantly just a spot to copy paste people's card trades for Colors TCG.

Oof, I'm exhausted. Like always, of course. But it's been a lot particularly because I showered, which usually takes it out of me. I've spent most of the day at the computer, some playing Runescape because I find it relaxes me, the rest handling stuff in Colors. I tried to do some noodling around on my iPad, draw a lil, etc... but I wasn't feeling it.

I wanna get hands on with something. Physically rotate it round, feel it shift and grow with me. I'd like to learn blender, but it doesn't appeal to me as a modelling tool. It's too... trapped. In the screen, I mean.

I'm not able to follow instructions anymore, making it extremely difficult to pick up new skills and hobbies. I need a lot of patience to be walked through on basic things. FND makes me feel like I'm degenerating, honestly, but whatever. We move on with what is wrong with us, because the only other choice is to not move at all. No human is a rock, and even rocks roll when pushed.

Either way, nobody reads this thing. Well, maybe one or two people. But that's a rounding error. I'm actually reveling in not being expected to do or work on anything. The complete lack of expectations makes me feel like everyone has given up on me, but existing as a societal write-off comes with the perks of no longer feeling the pressure to participate. I'm doing amazing just holding myself together, and any incidentals that come out of my life from this point forward are a nice surprise.

My boyfriend and I's 1st anniversary is tomorrow, and he's sharing all of these crochet things he'd like to make whilst I write this. Bless and cheer for the slowness, movement at all is movement enough, and pressure only makes diamonds at temperature's outside of human habitation. He's shared this 12 dollar (CAD) pattern with me just now. Maybe one day, eh? No rush.