I want to put a fast and sloppy manifesto together because I’ve got so much to discuss and I keep getting held up in the perfectionism of it all. I don’t care anymore.
TL:DR; I have a disability that gets worse with stress in a world designed to stress you out, I can’t divorce myself from it but I gotta set some clear boundaries before this gets worse.
Functional Neurological Disorder! It’s a disorder where your brain fires off wrong signals that can mimic all sorts of issues. Mine manifested with mild tics back in August 2024, and then progressed rapidly in November. For me, I get loud tics and prolonged spasms which remove the ability for me to do much of anything. They get worse when I’m in more stressful or anxious situations, like if I’m taking public transport or anything, and when I’m thinking.
It comes with a whole host of other issues, which have become incredibly burdensome. It has destroyed my sleep, my ability to go places, and my ability to work. There’s pathways to getting better, but they rely on mixed CBT, physiotherapy, and getting support with my ongoing stressors.
Oh fuck.
I’m a working class person living in the north of England! The NHS has been disallowed any opportunity to maintain itself sensibly and there’s approximately 3 and a half UK politicians which aren’t wet blankets.
Not only that, but everything is going bad for everyone, everywhere. My American friends, I salute you, because I can’t even begin to provide support in your fight. It seems like we’re all stuck fighting elitists with profit motives who have forgotten any sense of what’s right. Nobody has an ideology beyond the mighty dollar anymore.
So What?
I’ve got to face the uncomfortable fact that I’m not only as much use as a chocolate fireguard, if I want to have any quality of life whatsoever I’ve got to rely on the same belligerent fools making it their priority to make that quality of life even worse. I’m not even on PIP yet, gang. This shit sucks and to be frank I don’t know if being hopeful is enough reason to keep going on anymore.
So I’m going on out of spite.
My demands are basic as fuck. No more renting, I want my partner over from Canada, and I want to get on with getting better without feeling like a massive bastard for doing so.
I lost my Dad last year, which has added greatly to why I’ve gotten so ill, but it means I can think about owning a home.
As long as I can get and keep on PIP for 5 years, I’ll be able to meet the requirements for my partner to be here.
But for everything else, there’s brutal honesty.
I will never be ok again if I keep going on like this.
And by that I mean, secluding myself in the personal bubble of my own struggles when what’s happened to me is so desperately not normal. I’ve gone from someone running a successful business with a thriving art career to not being able to consistently make and eat food on a daily basis.
I’m not diagnosed with anything beyond the FND, but I’ve been on the waiting list for ADHD for about 5 years now and have spent my entire adult life masking as much as I can. I am weird as fuck. I don’t understand how society works, I get it wrong constantly, and I live in constant fear of fucking it up. I cannot and have never been able to navigate this shit healthily and I’m sick of keeping the mask on.
Just recently, I’ve been poking at the boundaries at what makes me happy and seeing how things go. I started a bluesky account where I retweet furry porn I like, and yes, that’s helped massively. Admitting shit like that is both deeply reckless for neurotypical society and yet it has brought me the strength and courage to make more sweeping changes.
I got rid of my Instagram, I’m done with Meta (besides those fucks living in the OS of my VR headset, bleh) and I’m done holding on to untenable situations. Although I love living in Newcastle and the community of artists here, Sunderland ain’t that far away and I can get the free support from my mum if I move back home. It’s been terrible trying to sort everything to get back but I’m doing it, and then I’m probably going to keep living in Sunderland for the rest of my life.
A location is nothing but people and a place and most of Newcastle is getting shittier. Facts. The few places worth living are becoming massively gentrified and what’s the point of spending any money with a government that doesn’t seem to believe in doing anything? I think Sunderland is actually making a mad dash for success, with a 10 year long plan for funding including a massive film studio. If I ever get well enough to work again, I want to be on the doorstep of that.
And like, come on. Newcastle’s like an hour away. If I at very least get well enough to take buses again, I’ll be fine.
New Commitments
I’m getting my partner Rhys here at any cost- and we might need to put together a combined £29k a year income to do that. Fat chance of that in the North of England regardless of if I worked or not. So I’ll need help there.
I’m getting back to making weird shit that I like. and not only is that shit going to be more depraved it’s going to be more political.
I’m getting a house with a garden big enough to grow at least some things myself, and then bunkering down. No flats: they fucking suck.
I am putting my health before anything else, and if I don’t feel able to engage with something, that’s fair enough. I’m fucking disabled and I shouldn’t feel guilt that I can’t handle what’s going on in the world at all.
To be frank, I offer the world basically nothing besides that I like to think I’m a kind person and if I can’t make highly skilled art at least it’s interesting. That’s fine! That’s enough. Factually, even shitheads deserve to be alive by virtue of being born, and if right now I’m useless that doesn’t mean that I may not have more going on for me later.
I’m 27. I’ve already done shitloads of stuff. I can get as good as I can, bring the one person over who is giving me the largest reason to keep going, and then push on from there. Everything else unfortunately needs to be on hold forever and slowly picked through on the odd days where I can do something else after handling my own bullshit.
This sucks to write!
And I don’t even know if it’s healthy. But I’ve been watching a lot of folks give their problems a platform where they can move forward on them and it’s EXCELLENT. I’m watching folks go home and just talk about how good their day has been. Shit yeah.
I also like, I literally can’t handle negative situations anymore, my body literally goes “nope” and makes it impossible to move. The Jobcentre gave up on making me go to it, and now lets me have phone calls, because I can’t make it though a conversation about my problems.
Gang, I’m fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m gonna let myself be fucked up because I don’t know what else to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Computer how do I end a manifesto?
Everything’s shit and everyone and everything is making it shitter, british politicians need to have any opinion at all and stop being petty little bitches, and they jailed my friend Anna for throwing soup on a painting because the world is ending but pretty much every other crime in the UK is legal so idk maybe go do the civil disobedience you were born to do bestie, i would but i can’t leave the fucking house by myself lmao
i can’t think anymore but i’m posting this unedited and leaving it up no matter what, i am not writing another manifesto just to crumple it up again i am sick of itttttttttttttttt
bye,
haley